November 11, 2019
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Hello there … You have heard it before, ‘In order for you to
live a healthy life, ‘ ‘you have to have a healthy a life ‘ ‘on the level of Body, Mind and Soul.’ These pillars have long
been considered the pillars of a healthy and complete life. But what if I was to tell you
that we got it all wrong? When we think of soul we think of the soul as an
etheric or intangible energy. Likewise, because of the
ethereal, intangible nature of feelings and emotions, (which we do not understand) we call them ‘Soul’. This is why, all advice about how to feed
and heal your soul, is in fact designed to help
youemotionallyfeel better. In truth, our soul-aspect
is innately healthy. It cannot be in an unhealthy state. Soul, which is pre-manifested energy, creates feelings and creates
mind and creates body. All three levels of a person are,
in fact, comprised of Soul. A body is a soul projecting
itself physically. A mind is a soul
projecting itself mentally. Feeling is a soul
consciously perceiving. Because of this, we could look
at it in one of two ways. The first is that the
three pillars of health are Body, Mind andEmotion. The second is that emotion
is the language of the soul. If you choose to see it this way, then the key to what people
are calling Soul Health is your Emotional Health. Part of Emotional Health is the conscious acknowledgement of our non-corporeal Consciousness which we could call Spirit or Soul. When we use the word ‘Soul’ we are referring to the
core-aspect of someone’s being. This is why the word
‘Soul’ and the word ‘Heart’ are interchangeable. It’s why you might hear
someone who’s talking about their core-aspect,
their ‘Soul’, saying: “I know it in my heart that _____” This is an acknowledgement that we know
that at the core-aspect of our being our experience, here on earth, is not physical, it is emotional. When we first come into this life we experience the world
entirely throughfeltperception. We feel the world before
we see the world. Feeling and Emotion is not only the heart of your
life here on earth, it is also the heart
of your relationships. Because feeling and emotion
is the heart of relationships, it is also where the
most damage is done. I wanna step you, for
the sake of understanding, into a historical look at relationships and how
emotions play into relationships. Over the centuries, our ideas about the good
and bad ways to raise children have changed drastically. For example: In medieval days, childhood
did not really exist. As soon as a child
could physically manage, they were put to work. Often in roles that would
be seen today as slavery. Children were not
seen as pure, in fact, they were seen as Evil! And the extraordinary
corporal punishment used, which was, of course, considered
normal and commonplace, was used to grant a child
salvation and goodness. In this era, even in the most
aristocratic households, instead of valuing and
adoring their child, some parents took to
despising their own children and deliberately belittling
and abusing them thinking it was, in fact,
for their own good. In the late 1600s,
history saw the birth of the Punishment &
Reward style of parenting. Instead of pure corporal punishment, philosopher John Locke suggested that the better way of
training a child to be good would be to withdraw
approval and affection by ‘disgracing’ a child
when they are bad and to ‘esteem’ the child by rewarding the child with
approval and affection when they were good. I want you to sit in this
realization for a minute, of what I have just said. It took parents until the 1600s to come up with the idea
of Reward & Punishment … Now, the Reward & Punishment
style of parenting we now know, is incredibly destructive. One of the most destructive
parenting techniques we have today. Now in the 1600s, Reward & Punishment was
a drasticimprovementupon how children were
parented before that … In the early 20th century,
not much had changed. Child-rearing experts
still formally denounced all romantic ideas
about childhood, and advocated the formation
of proper habits to discipline children. In fact, in 1914 U.S.
Children’s Bureau pamphlet called ‘Infant Care’ urged a strict schedule and urged parents not
to play with their babies. John B. Watson’s ‘Behaviorism’
argued that parents could train their children by
rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior and by followingpreciseschedules for food, sleep and
other bodily functions. Who could forget
the Bible proverb that so many parents
have lived by and still live by, today: “Whoever spares the rod,
hates their children, but the one who
loves their children is careful to discipline them.” (as if discipline and corporal
punishment are one and the same!) In the 20th Century, corporal punishment began
to fall out of favor in the Western World. Many parents became
conscious enough to see corporal punishment for
what it is – which is abuse. And so today, while sadly there are still pockets
of un-Conscious parents that still abuse their children
in the name of discipline, the larger majority in
the Western World use parenting practices like time-outs as a tool of discipline. It is easy to look back
over time and say that we were in the Dark Ages
when it came to parenting but let me tell you,
that in the years to come, the future will look
back at us today and say the exact same thing – that we are, in fact, in
the Dark Age of parenting. Now, just as corporal
punishment has fallen out as a favorable style of parenting, I’m going to tell you today that we are on the
edge of a revolution. The revolution is
Emotional Parenting. We are about to find out that
we are in the Dark Ages today in terms of Emotional Parenting, and that we are doing
the same kind of damage on an emotional level,
to our children, as the parents did on a physical
level and an emotional level who were beating their children in centuries that have passed. I am here to tell you
that we have no idea how to create a healthy emotional
climate in our households for our children. And there are, of course,
exceptions to this rule, but by far, in today’s
modern world, the vast majority of
children are being raised in unhealthy emotional environments. And, in fact, the emotional
climate of the household has not even factored into
good parenting, until today. We are emerging from
the new Dark Age. The Dark Age is the dark age
of Emotions and Feelings. We are awakening to the idea that it is possible to be a very
good parent on a physical level while being a very bad
parent on an emotional level. And this has vast implication, because we have already addressed,
earlier in this episode, that the very core
of our existence is Feelings and Emotions. So, if the emotional
climate of your household, with your children, is an unhealthy one, then the core essence of someone’s
Life and someone’s Being is an unhealthy one. In today’s world, most parenting advice ignores
the world of emotion entirely. It focuses on how to
correct misbehavior whilst disregarding the feelings that underlie and cause
that very misbehavior. Regardless of how far
we have progressed, the goal of parenting
is still to have a compliant and obedient child, not, to raise a healthy adult. The goal is raise a
child who is ‘good’. Our Justice System takes
the exact same approach with regards to misbehavior. We are concerned with
correcting misbehavior and creating good citizens whilst being unconcerned
with the feelings that motivate such misbehavior. Good parenting involves emotion. Good relationships involve emotion. Today, most parents make
three crucial mistakes: No.1 is that they disregard or
dismiss their child’s emotions, No.2 is that they disapprove
of their child’s emotions, No.3 is they offer no
guidance to a child so that they can get through
their negative emotions. The parent who disapproves
of their child’s emotions is critical of their child’s
display of negative emotion and reprimand or punish
for emotional-expression. The parent who dismisses
their child’s emotions, disregards them as unimportant, ignores their child’s emotions, or, worse, trivializes
their child’s emotions. And the parent who
offers no guidance may empathize with
their child’s emotions but does not set
limits on behavior or assist the child in
understanding and coping with their own emotion. To give you an example of how this
works out in practical terms: Imagine that William does
not want to go to school, and begins to cry when his parents
make him go to school. The disapproving parent
might scold William for his refusal to cooperate … The disapproving parent may resort to calling him a brat and punishing him in some way with time alone or with a spanking … The dismissive parent may
brush off William’s emotions by saying ‘That’s silly … ‘ ‘There’s no reason to be
sad about going to school. ‘ ‘Now turn that frown upside down!’ … The dismissive parent may even
resort to distracting William from his emotions
by giving him a cookie or pointing out a cow in a
field on their way to school. The parent who
offers no guidance may behave in an apathetic
way towards William by telling him that it’s okay
to feel sad or scared. But that parent would
not
continue on to help William decide what to do
with his uncomfortable feelings. Instead, they would
leave him in a space where he feels as if his emotions
are an all-consuming force that he is powerless to. Children who are raised in
unhealthy emotional environments are not able to soothe themselves. They also tend to
develop health problems. On top of this, children who are raised in
unhealthy emotional environments fail to emotionally connect
with their family. They often feel as if
they do not belong. They fail to develop intimacy
with their families and as a result, they
feel isolated and alone. This, of course, carries
on into adulthood. They grow into adults
who are not capable of managing their emotion. They grow into adults who
feel as if they don’t belong. They grow into adults who struggle
to make relationships work. They develop co-dependent relationships and they develop a need, while simultaneously, an
extreme fear of intimacy. In my personal opinion, the number one cause of psychopathy
and sociopathy in adults is, in fact, an unhealthy emotional
environment in childhood. Now, keep in mind, that the majority of
people who study the causes of psychopathy and sociopathy are looking around in people’s pasts forovertsigns of abuse. It is much more easy to
recognize overt signs of abuse, much more difficult to recognize
unhealthy emotional patterns in childhood environments. Many of the serial killers
and school shooters who reportedly came
from ‘healthy’ homes did not, in fact, come
from healthy homes at all. They came from physically
healthy homes where they were
fed and clothed and given many advantages, even. but underneath that
lovely-looking exterior was extreme emotional dysfunction. Emotional dysfunction
that disabled them from connecting with other people. Emotional dismissal and
emotional disapproval are forms of emotional abuse. But the future will soon teach us to never underestimate
emotional dismissal, emotional disapproval
and emotional abuse. In my opinion, (having experienced all the
different forms of abuse) emotional abuse is the very worst, and also, the hardest to heal from. But now we come to the
most damaging aspect of emotional dismissal or
emotional disapproval when it’s given from
an adult to their child. When emotional disapproval
or emotional dismissal is shown to a child, the child begins to trust
the parent’s estimation of whatever event has caused
them to be displeased, instead of their own. They lose faith in themselves, they lose trust in themselves,
and most of all, they believe there is something
wrong with them. When emotional dysfunction
rules the relationship the child learns that
they have no right to feel how they feel. In short, they learn that it is wrong
to feel the way that they feel. Now here’s the crux: The child believes, that if it is wrong to
feel the way they feel, but that they feel that way, something is wrong
withthem, specifically. If I were to choose one
single thing that is wrong with the Mental Health industry today, is that there’s this popular idea that there’s a way peopleshouldfeel. And that if they don’t feel that way that something has gone wrong. Psychiatrists’ offices are full of people who were raised in an
emotionally dysfunctional home! These people grew
up to believe that there is something
wrong with them because they ‘shouldn’t
feel how they feel’, when the actuality is
that theyshouldfeelexactlyhow they feel. They have perfect
and sound reason to feel exactly that way, and the idea that something
is ‘wrong’ with them is a fallacy. A fallacy that is the by-product of having their emotions
invalidated again and again. This is in fact, one of the
key-causes of anxiety. Anxiety is caused so often by
self-doubt and self-distrust. Distrusting yourself and
having doubt in yourself causes fear of the Self. As a result, you’re trying to
find any way that you can to escape from yourself because you feel like you
shouldn’t
feel how you feel. I had to go into this background
story (as per usual) because without that understanding, you can’t understand
how you got to the place in relationships that you’re in today. Long-story short, because this is the
emotional environment you were raised with
in your childhoods, you have no idea how to emotionally relate
with people as an adult. And the same rules apply. We fail to develop true
intimacy with one another so often, because we dismiss
each other’s emotions. We disapprove of
each other’s feelings. We tell other people
how theyshouldfeel. We have no patience with the
emotional needs of others. We see emotions and
feelings as weakness. We call people who display
emotions ‘too sensitive’. For the sake of your understanding, I want to give you three examples of adult relationships that
are emotionally dysfunctional. «laughs» A woman goes to
lunch with her friend. She is disappointed because she
did not get promoted at work like she thought she would. Her friend tells her that
she is just being negative, that she needs to look
on the bright side and see that all she’s doing is
creating more disappointment in her reality because she
is so negatively focused. 2. A husband gets
home late from work. His wife starts crying the
minute he walks in the door. The husband sees her crying
and immediately says: “You always over-react!
I was only half an hour late. ” “Maybe you’re just menopausal.
In fact, you need professional help.” and then withdraws to
his office to watch television. 3. A man is facing divorce. He tells his friends
about what is going on and they convince him
to join them at the bar. When he shows up, none
of them acknowledge that he’s, in fact, going
through a difficult time emotionally with his relationship. Instead, they encourage him to
not think about it, have a drink, watch the sports game, and
look at pretty girls at the bar. Regardless of whether it is a friendship or a romantic relationship, feelings and emotions are
the heart are the core, of that particular relationship, (if it is supposed to be
ameaningfulrelationship, instead of a surface-y one) Without a healthy and
deep emotional connection, and an emotional-feeling
relationship, that ‘relationship’ is not,
in fact, a relationship, it’s a social arrangement. Intimacy is not about Sex. It is true that Sex can be
the by-product of intimacy, but intimacy is about being
seen for who you really are, and seeing someone
for who they really are. It’s me being able to take the totality of the truth of who I am to you, and being received by you,
for the truth of who I am, without you needing to change me. It’s you being able to bring the
truth of who you are to me, and me being able to see and
receive the truth of who you are without me trying to
change and manipulate you. It’s meeting at the Heart-centre which is the birthplace for empathy. It’s the birthplace for connection
and for closeness. I have said it before and
I’m going to say it again: the word Intimacy can be
broken down to ‘In To Me, See’. The most important part about
intimacy, is to see into one another. To see into one’s truth, and one’s truth is represented
in feelings and emotions. Feelings and emotions
is the absolute core of your reality and your experience, and so it’s the very most
important part of intimacy. The bottom-line is:
emotions and feelings matter. We must see the importance
and value in each other’s feelings. We must show respect
for each other’s emotions. We must listen for the
emotions behind the words. We must open ourselves
to and offer understanding. Statements of acknowledgement
and understanding should always precede advice. If you tell someone
how they should feel you are teaching them
to distrust themselves. You are teaching them that there
is something wrong with them. It is the way that we deal
with our negative emotions that dictates how healthy or
unhealthy our relationships may be. For most of us, the way we’re dealing with
our positive emotions are already working for us. It’s the negative emotions we
have the most resistance to. For that reason, I’m gonna outline for you
some concrete steps which can help us when relating to other
people’s negative emotions. Now, this goes for both
children and adults. And it’s solid gold when
it comes to relationships! No.1: To become aware of
the other person’s emotion. No.2: To care about the
other person’s emotion by seeing it as valid and important. No.3: To listen, empathetically,
to the other person’s emotion in an attempt to understand
the way they feel. This allows them to feel
safe to be vulnerable without fear of judgment. i.e. seek tounderstand,
instead of toagree. No.4: To acknowledge and
validate their feelings. This may include helping
them to find words to label their emotion. To acknowledge and
validate a person’s feelings we do not need to validate that the thoughts that they have
about their emotions are correct. Instead, we need to let them know that it is a valid thing to
feel the way that they feel. For example: If our friend says “I feel useless”, we do not validate them by saying: “You know, you’re right!
Youareuseless …” Instead, we could validate
them by saying: “I can totally see how that
would make you feel useless, ” “and I would feel the
same way if I were you.” No.5: To allow the person
to feel how they feel and to experience their emotion fully before moving towards
any kind of improvement in the way that they feel. We need to give them
the permission to decide when they are ready
to move up the vibrational scale and into a different emotion. We cannot imposeouridea
of when they should be ready or when they should
be able to feel different, onto them. This is the step where we practice Unconditional Presence for
someone, and Unconditional Love. We are there as support
without trying to ‘fix’ them. Do not be offended if they
don’t accept your support at this time. There is a benevolent power
inherent in offering. That is Love, in and of itself, regardless of what someone
does or doesn’t do with it. No.6: After, and only after, their feelings have been
validated and acknowledged and fully felt, help the other person
to strategize ways to manage the reactions they might be having to their emotion. This is the step where you can assert
new ways of looking at the situation that may improve the way
the other person is feeling. This is where advice can be offered. Now we come to one of
the most important steps when it comes to emotional
health within relationships. You are in a relationship
with yourself. That means you have to
validate your own emotions. You have to stop
dismissing your emotions you have to stop
disapproving of your emotions, you have to stop expecting yourself to feel differently
than you actually feel. In order to have emotional health, you have to apply the 6
previous steps I’ve just outlined, to yourself, first. Aside from the way that you
manage negative emotions, here are some steps which
can help you to create a healthy emotional environment
within your relationships. No.1: Express your love
to the other person. You can express your love by
reaching out to touch them. Many people are touch-starved
inside this modern world that we’re living in, because there’s so much
separation between us. You could express your
love through a gift. By giving a gift to someone, they are understanding that you
care enough about them to think about them, and then procure something for them, and then, give that something to them. You could choose to show
your love to someone by spending quality time with them. Where your focus is undivided, and you’re looking at them, trying to understand them, trying to connect with them. You can show your love to someone by serving someone: Offering to help them
with the dishes … Offering them to help them
with a project or moving … You can help someone by
showing them appreciation or giving them some
form of affirmation – giving them a compliment. There are many ways that you
can show love to someone. One of the main reasons why
we have emotional deprivation in our childhood experience and, in our current relationships, is that we are restrictive
when it comes to our love, we’re stingy with our love, we don’t overtly demonstrate it
and give it to other people. By being demonstrative in our love and by offering our love to other people we enable them to feel emotionally safe and loved and valued by us. But, make sure that when you
go to express your love to someone, you’re doing it for
the right reasons, not because you’re wanting
something from them. No.2: Never ignore their presence. There are very few things that
are more emotionally hurtful than being treated
like you don’t exist. Even if you’re angry
at the moment, it’s no reason to give
the cold-shoulder to the person who loves you. No.3: This tip goes hand-in-hand
with the last one. Do not physically or emotionally
withdraw from them,especiallyduring a conflict. People who are afraid of
intimacy and connection and thus, vulnerability, tend
to cope with those feelings by becoming an island unto themselves. They become emotionally unavailable
and disconnect from the other person as a defense. To withdraw in a relationship is
to commit emotional-divorce. and the number one
symptom of withdrawal is the lack of communication. That being said, we are
led to our next Tip. Tip No.4: Communicate,
Communicate & Communicate! When we have committed
to a relationship, we have committed
to communication. And you are communicating whether you’re doing
it verbally or not, because the majority
of communication is taking place through
your body language. Communication is a
huge part of connection. Do not suppress your emotions and try to avoid, deny, dismiss
or numb them away through distraction. We need to be willing to
acknowledge our own emotion and communicate it in
healthy ways to our partner. When we are confused
about how to do this, a helpful tip is to take the
thoughts we’re having and imagine bringing them
down to our Heart-space and then speaking from there. This technique is called
‘Speaking From The Heart’. When we do this, we tend to
be more willingly vulnerable and thus, more Authentic, and less defensive and attacking in our communication-style. Put your feelings into words. There is almost nothing
worse for a relationship than remaining silent
about how you are feeling. Not communicating how you’re feeling creates a canyon between
you and your partner. They can feel when you
are emotionally upset. If you are not talking or if you
are denying the way you feel, when they can feel that
you’re emotionally upset, it makes the other person
feel crazy and confused. We need to be willing to
acknowledge our emotions and communicate that to our partner, in healthy ways. If we’re confused about how to do this, we can take what we’re
feeling and our emotions (what we’re thinking about those things) and we can imagine putting
them down to our heart space and then speaking
them from there. This practice is called
‘Speaking From The Heart’ and it can be really valuable
when it comes to creating a healthy emotional environment
within any kind of relationship. #5: If you make promises, follow through. If you say you’re gonna
do something, do it. You have to make
good on your word. Doing other than this systematically
destroys trust in a relationship. And the thing about emotional
health and relationships is that trust is a big part of that. Admit to mistakes and commit
to changing the behavior. Apologizing again and again, without really changing the behavior, sends the message that
you don’t actually care about how another person feels as much as you care about
getting them off your back … temporarily … This also, systematically destroys
trust within the relationship. We have to actually take steps,
if we care about somebody to not only apologize, but to
make the changes necessary so that that same mistake or that same painful thing we
did to them, doesn’t occur again. That being said, an apology can go a very long way to create emotional
health in a relationship. Tip No.7: Get a handle on your priorities. You have to know your priorities in order to develop a healthy
emotional relationship. If you want a relationship
to feel good emotionally, you’re going to have to value
it enough to prioritize it. There is no such thing as a
right priority or a wrong priority. But if your work or hobbies
are a higher priority than your relationships, chances are, your
relationships will suffer because, if you have to
choose between them, you’ll choose your
work or your hobbies. This will make the other person
feel unloved and insignificant. It will also make the
other person feel like it is unsafe to connect
emotionally with you. When you are facing
a conflict of interest between one thing
and another thing, you need to be able
to consciously decide where your priority is. In the healthiest relationships, the health of the relationship
and the way your partner feelsisthe number one priority. Tip No.8: Encourage them! Encouraging people makes them
feel like they’re not alone. It’s no longer the World-against-Them,
they have a team-mate. Encouragement allows us to know
we have emotional support. It is the opposite of criticism
and discouragement. It builds a person up
instead of tears them down. This also allows people
to be emotionally ‘safe’ to share their dreams
and desires with us. #9: Express your wants, needs
and expectations, clearly, in a relationship. This is about healthy boundaries. In order to understand
healthy boundaries, feel free to look up my
YouTube video titled: Boundaries vs. Oneness
(How to Develop Healthy Boundaries) It is not fair to keep the
other person guessing about what you want and need. It is also not fair to expect
them to read your mind by expecting things of them
that they are unaware of and have not agreed to. It is also important to
take time to understand the other person’s wants,
needs and expectations. Ask for what you want and need and encourage them to do the same. And assuming that their
wants and needs don’t conflict with your
wants and needs,meetthose needs and wants. Tip No.10: Laugh and play together. This is something which
most modern relationships don’t prioritize enough. Fun and laughter and play
have the capacity to bond us in the same way that
experiencing intense struggle, with a person, does. It can also be a powerful aphrodisiac for those of you that
are in relationships. Prioritize doing things together that feel good and are exciting. It also ensures that
conflict and struggle is not the undertone of the relationship. Tip No.11: Become an
expert on the people that you’re in a relationship with. Learneverythingthat
you can about them, provided that you’re
doing that for a good reason. It’s the heart of intimacy. The more you know about
a person’s wants, a person’s needs,
a person’s feelings, the closer your relationship
with them can become. Becoming an expert on another person will help you to make
the right choices about how to interact
with that person, so that the emotional environment
of the relationship is healthy and supportive. It also helps us to be experts at loving them in the way
they feel the most loved. Like all things, we need to
apply these tips to ourselves. The one relationship you can’t
end (except for/through death), is the relationship between
you and yourself. That means you have to
know what you want, you have to know what you need, you have to know your expectations, you have to validate your
feelings, admit to them, no longer dismiss them, no longer disapprove of them. That’s the way to develop a healthy emotional
relationship with yourself. Which is the heart of the relationship
between you and yourself. Never be ashamed of how you feel. The way you feel is valid. If you’re having an emotion,
there is always a good reason why you are having that emotion, so don’t let anyone tell you how
you should or should not feel. You deserve to have a relationship
where feelings matter. And the best way to
get into that relationship is to decide that your
emotions matter, to you. Have a good week. Subtitles by: David Soh & Tanya Duarte Subtitles by the Amara.org community

Robin Kshlerin

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